Hallie quickly lit a week old joint from Steven's drawer, sat back, slipped the intoxicating tube between her lips and inhaled a long stream of hash. She kicked off her very worn green platforms and sunk into the flowery bedclothes on her usually unmade bed.
    "Christ," she whispered carelessly to herself. "I needed that." Her voice sounded syrupy and gentle as it always did yet acutely raspy. Smoke, screaming, arguments, frequent sex and singing along to Stevens new song efforts were all components of her crunchy vocal overtones.

    She was alone now. A wave of numbing air streaked over her. Maybe it was the pot. Maybe it was finally being alone. Maybe it was her ability to feel nothing without being scared. She swung her unnaturally stick shaped legs over the side of the bed, comfortingly stroking the joint with her thumb. Hallies brain began to mind track and it slowly filtered the information that she hadnt been alone since she awoke from the miscarriage. Since she lay in the clinically green sheet draped bed, tubes attached to her chalky arms. Even then she wasnt alone for long.

    But her head didn't want to think of it all just now. There was no point thinking of the past- Joe was right. Better to live today than be stuck in tomorrow. There was buttons to sew onto Stevens red silk coat and shopping to do. "Shopping to do" she repeated out loud in a half-hearted voice. The thought of trailing up and down aisles and aisles of food was enough to make her wish she had stayed at this afternoons rehearsal and be stared at by Joes nosey, rumor inducing wife. Elyssa was the type of person who could swear black was white. And if you finally agreed with her then it wasnt white anyway, it was gray.

    The joint had gone by now, there was none left from what she could see. Stevens joint foil wrapper was empty and all she could see was a small baggie of very strong coke from New York. She relented- Steven needed his coat for tonight and part of his act was to undo every single button.

    Half way through the sewing process the needle dropped from her Claret red nailed fingers. "For fucks sake!" Hallie drew in a short, sharp breath of murky air. She didnt want to anger herself or have any strong emotions. It could only lead to realizing what had actually happened to her and Steven. She bent over to try to locate the small needle in the shallow beige carpet. As she did, a dull ache scratched along her stomach. Right across the stitches. Very slowly, she rolled up the bottom of her cotton gypsy shirt. Her eyes painfully met with the black frayed stitches. About ten of them, she guessed. Hallies eyes felt heavy. She rolled her shirt back down and flattened the material out around her hips. In a matter of seconds she had forgotten about Stevens coat. Loneliness spread like lip balm around her.

    Something made her ears prick. Was it the door? It couldnt be, the rehearsal was to run on into the night and only Steven had a key. Hallie couldnt help but be curious, and even if there was no one downstairs then the distraction had given her something new to think about. She walked to the top of the stairs and stood bare footed on the landing. There was Steven, quietly, laying down his denim shirt on the chair. Hallie had no idea how weak her voice was yet to sound.
    "Um, hi Steve?"
    He looked up, surprised.
    "Hey, dont freak out. Tom sent me home."
    "Tom sent you home? Are you sick?"
    Steven began to walk up the stairs. He didnt look how he usually did. He had an expression on his face that Hallie had never seen before- in all of her 12 years of knowing him.
"No, Im not sick. He wanted me to come and see you."
    Hallie made her way back to their room. She knew what was coming- emotional confrontation. He would hug her and that would surely be enough to make her cry.
    "Oh really?" She asked indifferently as she opened the door.
    Steven reached for Hallies arm. "Hal, dont walk away from me."
    "Stevie, Im not, I was in the middle of sewing your coat for tonight."
    He followed her into their bedroom and she could see his face clearly. His face was mottled and his eyes were bloodshot. "Baby, the coat doesnt matter."

    In his voice she could hear his pain. She wanted so much to ignore him but there was something overwhelming between them. Hallie chewed the inside of her bottom lip and gazed down onto her red marked feet. Steven wearily shut his eyes, and then opened them. "I wish we could talk about this." He took a long pause, trying to think of what he could say. "Do you know why Tom sent me home?" Hallie looked up and rubbed her bony elbow with the palm of her hand, the rough skin scratching her.
    "No, I dont."

    He took her hand from her elbow into his and looked her right in the eye. Surprisingly, she let him. "I couldnt sing. I physically couldnt. And mentally.I dont have the passion just now." Hallie faked a confused expression, "What are you talking about? I dont get it." He quickly let go of her hand and stood a few steps back. His voice sounded desperate, tired and it had a tart tone of pain- cutting the air like a dagger.
    "Cant you see my eyes? Please dont make us suffer, Hal. I cant let this happen to you, to either of us. Were supposed to be so much stronger, right?" Steven ran his ring-clad hands through his long thin dark hair and all the blood from his cheeks ran up into his eyes, or so it seemed.
    "Tom send me home because I was choking on my words, I just wanted to cry. He told me that you needed me more than the band. But its not only that Hal. I need you more than the band." His eyes burst silently and droplets trickled down his cheeks. "Talk to me, honey. Do something."

    By now Hallie was shaking. She had never been so emotionally hypnotized before. She raised her hand, and smoothed her shivery thumb over his cheek, trying to absorb the tears. Steven took hold of her forearm. His voice had radically transformed, it had become flaccid and orange. "You dont always have to be so brave."
    "Oh, but I do." she could hardly speak.

    Hallie felt her whole stomach violently crash against her skin, and warm delayed tears flow down her face and neck. Steven curled his arms around her and held her like a baby, almost cradling her.
    "Why did this have to happen to us? I dont know what to do, Stevie. Im so sorry, its all my fault, its my fault. Im so sorry" Steven locked his pain out for a moment. "Shhh.honey, please dont say that. Its nobodys fault, dont feel guilty. Im here, Im here forever."

    Their voices fell silent. All they could hear was their hearts beating against each other. Stevens hands caressed her cold straw hair. He held her tighter, dependently.
    "I love you so much."
    Hallie let a relieved sigh out. She kissed a section of his hair that had loosely hung over her face for the last ten minutes.
"You have no idea."